Story Four




Stuart is 27, Australian and resides there.

At the age of 5 I knew I was attracted to men. I used to look at boys in the showers at school. I was attracted to images of sportsman on TV and in locker rooms because my father was into sports. I liked the big, macho guys: tall, broad-shouldered and smooth or hairy. I had my first regular sexual experiences at age 12, and I came out at age 18. I started doing beats in country towns at age 14 and had sex with anybody except old men. I preferred the same body type to the above and definitely enjoyed having connection with other men. I was really starting to experiment with sexual activities, as you do. There was lots of sucking and slurping but not any fucking really.

I 'came out' to my parents which was received like a hole in the head and they kicked me out of home at age 19. I started to see gay porn around 20 and really loved the body images. I liked all the smooth body-types but it didn't matter whether they were hairy or smooth. I had started going to the clubs in Adelaide around age 19 and found I made friends easily, was popular, and had no difficulty picking up roots. I never went to the gay saunas until age 24, but then I started having lots of sex there with masculine men.
I still like the same type of guy and body image but now I appreciate younger guys more. I am not into older guys as much. Is this because I am getting older? Is it just sex and not intelligence? Perhaps it is more about a 'look'. I like the techno 'look', etc. .... but I know there is this paradox between the butch, 'macho look' and going out with these young guys. They don't offer the security and safety of the older, bigger bodies. I suppose its more of a power thing for me as well ... but they [the younger guys] also have the power because they have the youthful body I desire.

I've never had a problem with getting depressed about my body image and my self-esteem has always be good in that regard. Recently though I came off a long binge on drugs and I put on weight and didn't exercise, so for the first time I'm feeling a little self-conscious about my body image. Sure, I would like to be fitter and bulkier and more muscular because I think it would make me more confident in myself.

I have desired guys bodies and decided to have anal sex without a condom because of this desire.

I remember when I was age 21, I met this guy who was very masculine, medium height, about 30. We met in a pub and we looked at each other so I went over and spoke to him. Desire was definitely there so we went home after the pub and it was just straight into it, full on. It was the first time that I had been fucked and I really liked it. There was so much passion and he was much more in control. I fell in love on meeting him and would have done anything to have him.




So this guy was a perfect body image 'ideal' for me at that time, and the look was rough. It was all non-verbal and done through body-positioning, etc., ... he didn't say anything. I knew in the back of my mind that I shouldn't be doing this but I wanted this guy so much it made no difference - so I suppose in the throws of passion and desire I put danger aside and took a risk. I know this was a conscious decision in a way because my conscience told me it was wrong but I wasn't even worried about having unprotected anal sex.

I had a relationship with this guy for about 4 years and during this time he used to abuse me. I had no control over the situation and the scenes were not consensual. Unprotected anal sex happened nearly all the time during this relationship but I still desired his body - even a touch would get me sexually excited. There was desire and abuse and the paradox between the two. My self-esteem about my body image and personality at the time was really low and went even lower when I found out I had contracted HIV

I would have done anything to have him. Perhaps I was not strong enough at the time and didn't value my own person.