I grew up in suburban Brisbane and first started looking at boys at the age of 7 years old. I joined with the girls play group instead of the boys because I didn't fit in with the boys, I was not accepted, and I was not comfortable. Around the age of 10 I loved perving at young men at the local swimming pool - their outlines in Speedos. It progressed from then on. I spent a lot of time at the swimming pool looking. Later it developed into a more definite type I liked. They were mainly smooth bodies, muscular bodies. Because I was good at swimming in secondary school those kind of bodies had an immediate appeal, especially in the change rooms afterwards! My first sexual experience was in Year 7, age 13 - sitting with boys at desks, hands in pockets, back of toilets etc. ... and it progressed to sucking, masturbation. I was an outsider and I offered to suck cock, so lots of boys came up to me and wanted my services. Particular boys came back that I fantasised about, but it had to be on their terms [Pete doesn't have a lot of good memories about this period].
I married a girl at 20 I had been seeing. This marriage lasted a long time, years when I was still going out to beats and having sex.
My 'ideal' body-type was wide shouldered, thin waist, defined arms, long hair, firm arse, long muscular legs - I wanted to be like that! This type of body was not always accessible at the beats. I went to the beats as often as I could. At least twice a day. I hated doing what I was doing, not at the time, but afterwards ... I was very uncomfortable with the situation, but I was always drawn back, like a magnet. Eventually I got divorced.
The body image of people at beats just made me feel bad about my own body, worthless in fact, and I never considered that I could anything about it. I never felt I could get someone with a good body. It is only in the last 5 years that I have changed my body image drastically. I have become a fitness fanatic - I have changed diet, changed living habits, changed exercise. It increased my self-esteem going to the gym and I discovered there was a gay scene just over 4 years ago. I still have a poor self image. It is still difficult to attain my 'ideal' body image in another man - the further I reach out, the further away it seems to get. Maybe the years have got away from me and that nobody is interested in me at my age. There is the inevitability of getting older in a youthful culture!
My self-worth has affected my self-esteem throughout my life. Perhaps my body image was about the only thing I thought I had going for me. This goes right back to my early childhood I think. Now I have difficulty accepting that my body-type does not appeal to muscular guys - I suppose this affects the way I feel about my own body. Is my self image not good enough for others?
I never knew anything about safe sex.
Author: So Pete thinks his body image was a positive thing for him when he was younger. Now we can see that his body image is really affecting his self-esteem, the perception of his own self worth and his perceived ability to have sex with the muscular men he desires.
One day I was at a beat in Brisbane and several people were there. Initially I was attracted to the person I followed in but I was then immediately attracted to someone else - 'Mr. Perfect'. Of course my first impression was, I'll never get him, so I pursued the other guy. But he was interested in me! He was tall, with long dark hair, tanned, wearing overalls, a mechanic, very masculine indeed. He had really strong arms and shoulders, and was just very appealing, the voice, the look. I still had a feeling I had no hope in hell - the more I looked the less chance I thought I had. He talked to me and suggested we go out to the car. We talked and then he asked me to suck him off - he liked it and asked to meet again. He asked what I liked and I said anything which wasn't true - I said that because I wanted him really badly, very badly. He asked whether he could suck me off and so he did and I really enjoyed that.
We went to a different place the second time because it wasn't safe at the first place. I told him that I wanted him to fuck me if he was gentle. The guy took it very carefully, very gently, but with no protection. I did not question this as I was too scared of loosing him. He did not suggest at any time using a condom. Afterwards he did - he said we should have being using condoms (too late then). The second time was in a garage and I had bought the condoms but couldn't use them because I had the wrong type of lube and it was useless - so we went ahead and did it anyway.
I would have done anything to have him, anything at all.
I didn't justify it afterwards - I just gave in to his needs completely, and had no thought for myself at all. I would have done anything at all, anything that he asked. I was in love with his body image, the 'ideal' and the fact that he was showing interest in me at all. We eventually went back to my place after a few meetings and he fucked me completely there, without a condom. He didn't come inside him but at another time I insisted that he cum inside him because I wanted him completely. I never considered I was in any danger and was very satisfied that he came in me because I had never felt these emotions and feelings ever in sex before. I justified it by saying that I wanted him as close as possible and I very much wanted to have that connection and intimacy. The other guy was feeling guilty, but this guilt did not stop him from doing it the next time though. Right from the moment I had anal sex with this guy, it was without a condom.
The guy didn't want me to get an HIV test. After the relationship finished I was too scared to go and get tested. I realise I did a stupid thing but if another guy like him came along I think I would probably do the same thing again, being totally honest with myself about it. I know its not the right thing to say. I'm being completely and utterly weak.
Author: Note that this person has lower self-esteem through his inability to value himself and his body as desirable. His willingness to give himself to a man with his 'ideal' body may lead him into dangerous situations in the future.